A Suicide Helpline
1800-MOROSE-555
Are you a depressed and suicidal soul? Are you one of those people who not only have two lifetime's worth of gloom and despair on their minds but are also stinking failures at putting thier own dispiriting thoughts to words? Is that all what's stopping you from making that leap?
Then let us help you.
For a nominal fee, we give you a chance to have a professionally qualified, established linguist (certified psychiatrist) pen down and express your sorrows, your guilt, your shame, your hatred, your disappointment, your love, your dying wish, your accusal, whatever...on YOUR behalf.
In just one sitting with one of our LDEs (Letter Drafting Executives), we shall provide you within 24 working hours, at your doorstep, the perfect suicide note to leave behind for "Them" to find on you. While you can go back, with a complete peace of mind devote your precious remaining time to plan out your exit from this thankless and unfair world.
And......for just a little extra money (ALL of which you anyways would be leaving behind) we will custom fabricate the letter as per your chosen means of passing into the beyond. To give a few examples :
- Drowning - Lamination of letter
- Conflagration - Fire-proof paper used
- Railway tracks - Printing over high strength twist-wrap tissue
and many more such options just to ensure that your Last Word TM, makes itself known to the world - Untarnished.
Don't hesitate and wait. Don't hold up your fate. Pick up that phone NOW and give us a call before you pick up that handgun and leave people puzzling over a chalked outline.
Last Word TM
A helping hand, quite literally
Please Note:
We DO NOT accept Post-Dated Cheques.
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